Sunday, May 13, 2018

Family Values

Been trying to get my head wrapped around this for some time now.  From the day I learned of his diagnosis, I knew the eventual outcome.  Still I thought it should not be.  I have been so distant, so remote, I did not know these people anymore.  Still I felt as though I knew my brother, I would see him here and there.  I still do not know what to say to anyone.

At some point I had broken away from the family, and I have never reconnected on any level really.  The past I thought was behind me, ghost of a distant self, now haunt me from the prison of my mind.  Shadows stalk me from the shadows of those that before me tread these paths.  I am not alone here, but I am without something, something I never thought mattered until yesterday.

Tom is gone, he gave me hope, reminded me of humanity, and I wanted that, though it was out of reach for me.

A new person comes along, and I am still cautious, there is no reason, no rhyme, I should not have seen this, I am way beyond my time.  Am I just the person I am today, or did something spark the ancient self in the loss, that lingers yet within, now close to the boiling point, yet beyond my grasp.

I feel sorry for those that are left without the sun that was the shining example of my brother, while the darkness slowly begins again to consume what was left of my soul.  All that remains is a singular spark of my wife, the love of my life, and I just do not know if she even has enough light to temper the depth of shadows that lies behind me, waiting for the last of my will to relinguish what she has held aloft for so long.