Saturday, June 09, 2018

Too Much to Tell

I did not think I would be effected.  I do not usually feel death the same as most people.  I mean people die, they go their way, and leave behind a useless cage.  I still had this weird feeling that he was going to come over and say it was okay.  He always did that, console me, tell me it will be okay, and I believed him, if even for the moment.

He is silent now, not even the echo of his voice remains.  Memories linger longer, but even they will fade.  I grasp at them like reeds in a storm, the water rises, I am not a strong swimmer.

They gave him a good christian burial, I know he deserved that.  What else could they do, they do not know any better, ignorant as they are.  Death is for the living, we even celebrate it.  The past fades, we slip into routines and accept the ghost as they are, memories of what they were.  Nothing remains once the remains are laid to rest.

I should have said something, should have made a statement, a testament to his greatness.  People do that, they pronounce their understanding of the person that was, and profess their gratitude for the past they will hold onto.  I failed him, in that, I should have been stronger in the face of that.  Why did I wait so long to say goodbye, that was stupid.

We all do, busy souls, busy looking busy, trying to make ends meet, they don't.  Fruitless in our pursuit of happiness, of wealth, of all that is holy, of purpose, for a brief moment, fleeting as it is, it all ends the same, our useless form rotting in a tomb, for some future that does not exist.  Why do we perform such rituals?  What do they provide us with?  It never made any sense to me, but I guess something must be done.

I drone on, stumbling through philosophical bullshit, asking why, why does this still affect me, why am I still thinking, why haven't I laid to rest the ghost of my past?  I am expecting no answer, because there is no one to answer, he is gone and he will not say it is okay any more.

I have to go now, because it is starting to rain, just a little, and I can't see as well as I used to, through the blur.  Perhaps my eyes are getting tired, this light is not very bright, and I think I hear someone calling my name.


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