Thursday, October 22, 2009

Unfinished Business

Light up another cigarette, and drink a little more coffee. Trying to find my place in this universe, with very little success. Is it me, I wonder, because I have been doing all that I can. But it keeps getting harer to believe that it is all because of me.

What is it I am supposed to do, can you tell me this? I used to wite, but that seems to pale in comparrison now to everything else it seems. I just want to raise a few animals, and grow some vegetables, maybe live a decent life. Willing to do what it takes, but what will it take. I keep thinking it must be me, something I am not doing, or something I am doing that I shouldn't be.

I have given up so much, to live simplely and to have some good in my life. What is it that I have to do to please these gods of moderate success. What the fuck do you want from me?

Mother I deplore you please tell me what to do. I am out of answers, and looking to you. Change the weather, turn a new leaf, done whatever I had to do. Please mother come to me, tell me what I must do to succeed.

Father I am lost and need your guidance. Can you see to me this one time again, help me understand. I know we didn't see all that well, but we both know you and I can see, if we want to. I am begging you, see to me, help me through this turmoil.

All of this is tiring and wearing thin. It causes me no amount of stress, why are we going this a way. When I was golden, who did I not forgive. What is in my heart that is preventing me from progressing.

And then I notice a cold chill, is that a forgotten relative on my shouulder? Where is the muse that used to laugh at me, through the smoke of my illusion. I do not like this life so much, it disturbs me. I want to scream, but what good will that do me. Tell me you are still there my friend, still holding my hand and ready to help me again find that flow that will save me.

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